I guess I’m back 🙂
I’ve been awake for the last five sunrises. I just can’t go to sleep or I get sick from anxiety and then I’m drinking tea and watching the sunrise. The witch in me sees this as super poetic. That while my life is entering into a brand new chapter, I’m being called to see the literal dawn of a new day. The cynic in me thinks it’s probably got something to do with my drinking and/or my eating schedule being off. Either way, there’s some lesson I’m supposed to learn here and I hope I figure it out soon so I can sleep in peace.
In April, while at work talking about how many rails we’d need for a diorama, I had this moment. Something in me broke in a really permanent way. I knew this wasn’t, to quote a friend, my “ministry.” And it was starting to wear down on me. I didn’t feel like I was doing a good job, I had constant anxiety that no matter how hard I tried any minute they’d tell me I’d messed up irreparably, and I’d be fired. I would cry in my car before and after work. And then do deep breathing exercises so I could put on a happy face later. This wasn’t working.
So, during the meeting, I wrote a note that no matter what it would take, by June 30, I would find a way to quit my job and that by April 2023, I would be working full-time as a writer.
And I meant it.
In May, I got a random text from my agent asking me if I’d seen [show about monsters]. I said yeah, all of it actually. Next thing I knew (and I cannot stress enough that it was literally the next day), I was meeting with showrunners and that night I was offered a staff writer position. This was a Wednesday and the room started Monday. That night, I sent a meeting request to my boss saying it was an emergency. On Thursday, I told them my last day would be Friday. And I felt horrible about it. I wanted to quit but I didn’t want to quit overnight. So that sucked.
Then, R and I started fighting. R, who I very, very recently got engaged to. What should’ve been a really happy time was just stressful and hard and sad. My last weekend to celebrate before starting an actual dream job was plagued with late-night fights and silent treatments in the morning.
So on top of the guilt of quitting my job, fighting with my favorite person, and figuring out how to be okay with being the least important person in the room, I also needed to figure out when, how, and if I was moving to LA.
Because the room’s hybrid…for now. I spent all of my free time when I wasn’t in a fight or having an anxiety attack trying to find an apartment. And it was starting to feel like I was looking for the holy grail. I wanted (want) a 2 bed, 2 bath, with AC, in-unit laundry, parking onsite, and pet friendly…under $3k…in North Hollywood.
To say I haven’t been okay for weeks is an understatement.
Last year, around this same time, I was struggling with balancing really great news and really horrible news, simultaneously. I couldn’t understand why I had to be hit with both so intensely. As I was staffing for the first time and had recently won the Yale Prize, my grandfather died, my cat died, and there was also very not great conversations with family members about inheritance (oh and a really tricky, messy, consensual-lite encounter with someone that wrecked me). Amazing and horrible things were happening at the exact same time and I didn’t know how to hold it.
I still haven’t learned how.
From a 100 ft above, I can see that my life has improved drastically for the better. I get to do something I’ve wanted to do for a while now. I work with some amazing people. R and I are on much better terms. And financially, I don’t have to worry about rent for a couple of months (or at least I won’t have to once I get paid).
But on ground level, how do I get to LA? R and I have 3 cats so that means we have to drive. LA is 30 hours away with me driving 10 hours each day over a weekend (R doesn’t drive so it would truly be just me driving). Do we move into a furnished apartment and then move into another place after and just keep our stuff in storage? Do we move into an unfurnished place but then will I have internet immediately? What about my car? It’s too small for two people and three cats. Do I sell my car and get a bigger one? Do I sell my car and get a Uhaul and then get a car in LA? The job currently is only 20 weeks but maybe that might get extended. So do we move and then we’re kind of f*cked if it isn’t extended? Or do we stay here where it’s cheaper and then if it gets extended, we’re f*cked and in the same situation…
I’m happier than ever. I still can’t believe this is real life, that for work, I get to talk about monsters and magic. But, if I’m being honest, I’m pretty freaked out too. I just wonder why everything is always, always on hard mode. Maybe the lesson I’m meant to learn in life is how to balance the really hard things with the really great things
but frankly, wouldn’t it be nice if just for a month things were just really great?