Virgo season is coming at me way too hard this time around.

I didn’t expect to like Minneapolis-Saint Paul as much as I do. And there’s still so much more left to see. This weekend, I vaguely was like “I wanna see art.” Next thing I know, I’ve got a weekend packed full of it. Went to the Minneapolis Institute of Art on Saturday and saw an opera on Sunday. There are so many art galleries and bookstores that are still on my list to check out and it’s nice to know that friends are nearby as well. I don’t want to leave.

But I don’t really have a reason to stay.

My panic attacks are back. I woke up this morning (last night?) at 3 am freaking out about finding a job by the end of September so I searched for jobs from 3 am – 5 am. And I know it’s smart to get a job I’m not super passionate about, just in case TV comes around. But I’m not built that way. If I could have a job that I’m not super passionate about, I would be in a different tax bracket. I like the idea of leaving work at work and checking out but that isn’t me. I need to love what I do.

The problem is I love what I do (playwriting) but it doesn’t pay the bills. So I need a day job but often I tend to get a “day job” I am equally passionate about.

Which means I keep hitting the same wall. I find a job I love but that job doesn’t leave much time for playwriting. I have to choose. Often, I’ve chosen playwriting. But then the same problem keeps happening that playwriting is not financially secure so I have to take a job…that I care about. Only to have to make the same impossible choice…again and again and again.

Lately, a friend has said she’s tired of circles. She meant the circles of my personal life but I’m tired of the circles of being a playwright. I have moved over and over and over again chasing jobs that I can’t keep being playwriting doesn’t make room for much else but also doesn’t pay a living wage.

And now I’m in a city that I absolutely love and I don’t want to go. I want a job I care about. I don’t want to be a bartender or a warehouse worker. Not because I have anything against those jobs (being a bartender is hard f*cking work) but because that’s not what I’m passionate about.

Folks say that my work is “important.” And sometimes I think maybe it is. But if that’s true, why am I still waking up at odd hours trying to figure out how I’m going to make a living? And I’m one of the lucky ones. In the last 6 months, I’ve won 3 major awards. My career looks great. But theatre artists can’t survive on the appearance of success.

I’m going to take a job either way by October (if not sooner). I’d like it to be a job I really care about, one I know I could do well but if I take something I’m less than passionate about I will. Because I want to stay for as long as I can.

But wouldn’t it be nice if an award-winning playwright didn’t have to roll the dice when trying to figure out how to pay rent?