On New Year’s Eve, I asked 2021 to “wreck my plans” and 2021 was like “Bet.”
I got into tarot* because of the show I’m working on. In order to get more familiar with the cards, for the last six weeks, I’ve been doing tarot readings for myself every morning. The last two days I’ve pulled the same exact cards. I’ve shuffled thoroughly and it’s the exact same six. What happened two days ago? Well, I booked an airbnb in Minneapolis for August and September. Should I cancel it? Should I walk away? WHERE am I going? I have to go somewhere. Who in my life is lying to me? What the f*ck?
Lately, I’ve been spiraling. I turned down the job in Orlando because it didn’t feel right but what if that was a massive mistake? Turns out, I’m not great at writing for TV and I’ve set my theatre bridges aflame. WELP. As of August, I will be unemployed with nowhere to live.
So, per my tarot reading, what the f*ck is coming? Isn’t all that enough? The last two nights I’ve just been having panic attacks every time I think about August. I’m a wreck.
People keep asking me what my plans are, did I turn down the job because something better came along (was I supposed to wait for something better to come along? Isn’t that worse? Quitting halfway through?), what am I up to next… I DON’T KNOW. Right now, the plan is to move somewhere and hope I can find a job. There is no plan. Stop asking me. I’ll let you know when I know.
A friend joked that something always comes up deus ex machina style in my life. Something always works out. But I’ve handed over the reins. I don’t even know what offers I’m getting or really understand why I’m turning things down. I feel like I’m saying no to people who want to produce me because I’m being asked to wait for people who have been ignoring me for years to decide “sure we’ll read their work.” Not even a production, just a “Fine, we’ll read it.”
I don’t even know what I’d do if I didn’t do this. I have worked exclusively in theatre since 2011. What else could I possibly do? Work at a restaurant? Be a bartender? Tried it. I’m horrible at both.
Am I just f*cked?
There are two people in my life who have reached out to me this week to ask for advice about how to be successful. They were looking for a road map, actual instructions, a step-by-step plan. And I realized they didn’t seem to care about improving the quality of their work or really working on challenging themselves. They just wanted fame and success. They both were like “My work is just as good as xxx. Really it’s better. I want to know how they got famous. I’m not being arrogant. I’m just ambitious.”
(Side note: I plan on cutting these people out of my life. This was the last straw. Also they didn’t wish me a happy birthday but are quick to slide into my DMs asking for “advice” when they just want me to gas them up.)
I realized something as they were telling me how great they are. We have different end games. I don’t ever want to get to the point that I think my work is so good there’s no room for improvement. I am constantly pushing myself to try to approach my work in new and exciting ways. For them, it’s “me vs everyone else.” For me, it’s “me vs me.” Of course I want awards and I want stability but I don’t look to other playwrights and try to figure out how to “beat” them or get what they have.
The only person I’m trying to prove wrong is myself. I am constantly drowning in self-doubt and I want to be wrong. There is no one harder on me than I am.
At some point, I have to trust that no matter how hard it all gets, I’ll be okay. I have to accept that right now it’s just chaos.
But, honestly, how does anyone accept that? I feel like I’ve been walking through fire since January. When do I make it to the otherside?
*Tarot is new but a lot of it isn’t. I’ve been studying astrology since 2017. I got into a very specific ancestral magic around 2019.