November is gonna be a weird month. I was going to do a post on Nov 20 and that’s it. Usually, I try to aim for the 15th and the 30th. But it’s the Thanksgiving/Christmas season, y’all!So I decided to do a surprise post in honor of Maria Irene Fornes and Ntozake Shange, who we lost recently. So here’s a five-minute play I wrote called FEFU.
CHARACTERS: (All of the characters are in their late 20s; can be any race except white)
Fiona
Erin
Frances
Uri
Shadowy Figure
Fiona, Erin, Frances, and Uri are sitting in a cafe, enjoying brunch. The lights dimmer for a second. FIONA steps out pulls out a gun. She aims it at a shadowy figure. She pulls the trigger but there’s no gunshot. She smiles and then sits back down. Lights come back up.
ERIN
I’m just saying if I had 1.6 billion dollars, there’s no way I’d still be married.
FRANCES
Why couldn’t you take him with you?
ERIN
Why would I want to? So we can fight 50% of the time trying to figure out if we’re eating Indian or Mexican food. Or what? So we can fight about whether we should have a huge house and just a penthouse in the city? Pass. I’ll give him half and then I’ll go about my way.
URI
I wouldn’t give half of my money.
FRANCES
What?
URI
I’d give like…what is it out of?
ERIN
One point fucking six billion.
URI
I think a good 20 million is polite.
FRANCES
20 million?! That’s a tip. And not even a good one.
URI
I won the money. It’d be mine. Not ours.
FRANCES
By buying a five dollar ticket. Maybe even a one dollar ticket.
ERIN
I would definitely give more than 20 million.
URI
Well, I wouldn’t.
Moment. They look to FIONA.
FIONA
I don’t know. I mean, if someone gave me 20 million, I wouldn’t exactly complain.
ERIN
Out of 1.6 billion?
FIONA
I can’t even fathom that much money.
FRANCES
Well I can.
ERIN
Okay Frances. What would you do if won the lottery?
FRANCES
I’m not married. I wouldn’t have to split it with anyone.
ERIN
You had a child. Would you give any to her?
FRANCES shrugs.
FRANCES
Probably. I guess I’d pay off her college loans and stuff but I wouldn’t want her to think life is easy.
ERIN
You think after winning the lottery, that’s the time to teach your daughter the importance of hard work? How American of you.
FRANCES
Well, I am an American.
Pause.
FIONA
I think I might kill him.
ERIN
What?
FIONA
Not for real.
FRANCES
How do you fake kill someone?
FIONA
I feel like it could be a game we play. Every time I’m super mad at him, I could just…you know…kill him.
The other women look at FIONA. She drinks from her mimosa, casually. The shadowy figure returns to the stage. They point a gun at FIONA. They pull the trigger. Flowers pop out.
FRANCES
With all the news about shootings and everything, you want to fake kill someone?
FIONA
No, I want to reanimate them. Give him the chance to be someone he’s never been. Ressurect him. I think couples fight because they’re dying. So what if you were giving permission to just die? What if you could fade away and then reincarnate into a better version of yourself? Wouldn’t you want to?
URI
That’s what you think of when you think of winning the lottery?
FIONA
Yes.
URI
That’s kind of beautiful.
FIONA
I want to restart my heart sometimes. Just like go to bed one night and then wake up with new lungs. Like I still want to look the same. I don’t trust super beautiful women.
ERIN leaves the stage. It’s almost as if she fades away. The others don’t notice.
FIONA
I like the way I look, I think. I’m not too pretty. I’m not incredibly skinny but I’m not chubby enough to be like treated like a second class citizen. So I’m average I guess. Decently attractive. And I married an attractive person. My mom says I did it right. I married someone who is better looking but definitely loves me more.
FRANCES leaves the stage. Her exit is more meaningful but still ghostlike.
FIONA
I just feel the pressure of aging, you know? Like all of my friends now are getting married or dying or just like changing so much they might as well be dying and I’m just kind stuck in the middle of all of it. And I’m trying to figure out what I want and who I want to be while my best friends and my cousins and my sisters are having like children. It feels like everyone is moving on with their life and I’m just like…not to be cliche but I’m just like stuck at a stoplight. And it’s green and it’s time to go but I don’t know that I want to.
URI
Fiona.
FIONA
And I feel like time’s running up, you know. Like any minute now that light is gonna turn red and it’s gonna be too late. And my parents are going to be dying and my neices and fakes neices are gonna be in college and I’m still gonna be stuck at this fucking stoplight trying to figure out if I want–
URI
Fiona.
FIONA
Yes?
URI
I think you bored Frances and Erin.
FIONA notices they’re gone. She relaxes.
FIONA
I miss you.
URI
I know.
FIONA
How did we end up like this again?
URI
We thought this is what they meant by growing up.
FIONA nods. They both drink.
FIONA
Could you stop time with 1.6 billion?
URI
We could try.
Moment.
FIONA
Would you want to?
URI
Would I want to what?
FIONA
Stop time.
URI
On us?
FIONA doesn’t say anything. URI stands in a very formal and funny way.
URI
(singing)
I’d stop the world and melt with you.
FIONA
Do you promise?
URI shrugs. FIONA pulls out a lottery ticket.
FIONA
Because I’m not asking hypothetically.
She shows URI the ticket.
URI
Holy shit.
FIONA
Yeah. So?
URI
So?
FIONA
Are we melting?
A moment. The shadowy figure returns with the gun. They point the gun at the two of them. The gun melts in the figure’s hand. FIONA watches the figure and then looks at URI.
URI
Can we at least melt somewhere warm? Like Barcelona or Athens?
FIONA kisses URI. The ticket falls the floor. The lights go out in a dramatic gesture.
END OF PLAY.